SURRENDER

What are you holding onto?

I think my first real experience of conscious surrender was January 16, 2018. I had been in labor for 22 hours, rushed from a water birthing center to the hospital, and finally was told I would be seeing my baby within the next hour. My epidural had finally kicked in, and it was the first time during that experience I was able to relax and take a breath. Although my birthing experience wasn’t going anything as planned, I was still grateful and excited to see my baby.

The doctor rushed into the room. “You’re going to need to make a decision. We need to perform an emergency C-Section, but we can’t do this without your consent. You have about 10 minutes to think about it, but we need you to make a decision. Your daughter is making a “face presentation”, and if you push her out there is a strong chance that her neck will break.” I instantly burst into tears. This was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. Within a few minutes, I made the decision to go through with it because ultimately I wanted my baby here safely and healthy.

Not sure how many of you here are reading this, but despite the fact that a C-Section is a major surgery, you’re awake the entire time. Speaking of “awake,” not sure how many of you have seen the movie “Awake”, but it was a 2007 thriller that has stayed stuck in my mind since the day I saw it. Basically, the main character goes through open heart surgery after taking an anesthesia that left him conscious, but paralyzed and not able to speak. He went through the surgery feeling everything but not being able to say anything. . okay I’m gonna leave it at that.

So anyway, I’m laying on this table unable to move or feel anything from the chest down. It was ice cold in the surgery room. The lights were bright, and I just remember the look on Julian’s face. He put his hands on my face and gently patted my cheeks repeating “Please don’t move. Please. Please don’t move.” The doctor asked if I could feel something, and I replied “no.”

The moment of surrender, and the immense understanding of surrender was the moment I couldn’t feel anything anymore. It was the moment of understanding that the decision I made was the best decision I could make for myself and my family, and the fate of my decision was no longer in my control. It was terrifying. It was quiet. It was still. It was powerless, yet the most profound moment of my life. In that moment of full surrender, I gave life.

Giving life, or allowing ourselves the opportunity to truly live, has to stem from some sort of surrender. What are you letting go of to allow life to flow? Can we let go a little bit of control? Can we let go of some ego? Some pride? That excruciating need to be right?

This week, let’s choose to surrender to the moment. Not because we’re not strong enough to fight, but because we don’t have to.

This week, let’s L I V E.

With Love,

Mama Shye